Starting around my freshman year of high school, I came to the realization that I couldn’t feel nostalgia anymore. At least not the way I used to. When I would come across something that reminded me of childhood, I used to feel a sense of longing and bittersweetness. But something inside me changed and i couldn’t feel it anymore. Things that would typically trigger nostalgia I felt nothing towards. This persisted until last year. Except I didn’t realize what I was feeling was nostalgia until recently. I would experience these periods of deep melancholy towards odd things or in certain scenarios (not really odd when I think about it now).

A strong account of this was during my trip to Seattle for a college visit last year. After the campus tour, I was in the car with my friend and her family. I don’t remember where we were going, but it was around 3PM. The sun was starting to set I think. I remember how it looked golden that day. As schools were being let out, I watched school children disperse across the streets and city. I don’t know why, but a wave of melancholy washed over me. My heart started to ache. The rest of the trip I spent repressing those feelings. When I got home late that night I cried for hours. Actually, as i’m writing this what I was feeling afterwards was close to derealization.

I guess the reason why it took me a while to recognize that feeling as nostalgia was because nostalgia doesn’t make me feel the same anymore? Why does growing up change the way you feel things like nostalgia? I feel things very deeply and am an extremely sentimental person. Maybe that’s why it affects me so much— is this even normal or me just not being able to handle change like usual. Nostalgia just makes me reflect back on how i’ve pretty much made nothing of my life. Also how much of my childhood was spent in isolation and…idle.

For the past few months everything has been making me feel nostalgic. Change, people, being alone, being left behind, the weather. I’m starting to think I have seasonal depression or something. Do I even care though? Lately when I’ve been feeling like im made of marble or something when I’m around others. I just let things happen to me. I’m not sure what conclusion to this is. Writing this out makes me feel one percent better.

date written: 4/4/2025