song of the day: burn my tongue by starfall

12102024 yayya guys i'm happy i went to miniso this weekened and got one of those big ass (90cm) chiikawa plushies that are $100. my spending is gonna be crazy this month but...since it's mostly christmas gifts for others it's okay! at least that's what i'm telling myself. my chiikawa obessesion has been taking over my life. also i finally finished watching nana yesterday after many months. to make myself feel better i asked my mom for the full nana manga set for christmas. winter is so nice but then it's so fucking cold in the mornings. it doesn't bother me at night cause i can only sleep in arctic temperatures, but when i walk up to school i get pissed off. i'm challanging myself this time by not writing about anything school/college related...

anyways the past like...three months i've developed a sort of crush on one of my coworkers. is it a crush if i'm only just...attracted to him? idk. last time we worked together he put on a bomber jacket after he clocked out and looked so hot. i wanted him to take me down right then in front of everyone *JUST KIDDING...*

lately i've been struggling with...loneliness? the past like two years i've made really close friends. for me having friends in general is rare. when i have had friends throughout my life it's been one person who i had known in elementary school (my very first friend ever)- or my two close middle school friends that i became too attached to. bascially, all my friends had other friends outside of me, but they were my only friends. still the same now lol. i guess drifting away is natural since we don't see each other everyday like we used to...but i still can't get over it sometimes. unfortunately i'm incapeble of being nonchalant or normal about things. i have a hard time moving on. recently there was a falling out with two of my close friends. they were basically best friends (like so close almost homoerotic), but now they literally will not talk to each other at all. i got closer to both of them over the summer but especially one of them (i'll call her jelly lol). ever since their fall out i feel like a child of divorced parents or something. i always see them both during school and sometimes work. the other one asked another friend of ours "so is juno replacing me?" because i've been closer with jelly every since their fall out- or break up tbh. at first i was a little hurt by that but lately like...i'm starting to think maybe i am. it's just little things i notice whenever i'm with jelly. maybe i'm over-thinking because i have no actual evidence i guess. but, anyways even when i'm with my friends now i feel so lonely and ashamed of myself for being in the middle. i feel like it would make more sense if i explained why they fell out but i hope you can understand. there isn't anyone else i can tell this to so i'm happy i can do it here.

i wish no one knew me. but, i know that's not true because having nobody is painful. i discovered an artist called starfall yesterday. his music is fire i love it. ALSO DID I MENTION I GOT ICHIKO AOBA TICKETS!!!!!!!!!???? ichiko aoba if you can hear me please save us...ichiko aoba give me strength. i fear i maybe sound crazy in this entry. probably had other things to write about i don't remember, but i wanna got to sleep (doomscroll) so bye!

song of the day: i bet on losing dogs mitski

11192024 i'm 18 now. my birthday was last week...sigh. i don't feel grown up..like wdym i'm not 13 playing genshin impact during online school. this is probably the worst fall i've had in my life. college apps are stressing me out so much i hate it but everything bad happening to me is my own fault so i can't really complain to anyone. every since my birthday i've been feeling so depressed. like on sunday after a crazy day at work i cried for 6 hours straight after. i tend to spiral when even one bad thing happens to me. is this how all adults feel? when i look to my peers they seem so put together..like everyone knows what they wanna do and where they're getting in to college but im so behindddd!!!! school has been so bad and i never thought i'd say this but...i'd rather be at work than school. luckily thanksgiving break is next week i think i would've actually crashed out if i had nothing to look forward to at the end of the week.

enough of my sad life@!! i've been really into nana, paradise kiss, mouthwashing, arcane, and love and deepspace. uehhhhdfffffhhgggg currently woreking on the new homepage. im actually eating so hard which is crazy because i've been having no web design inspo. but i'm making a comeback for REAL this time guys!!!! i swear i know i always say this but i will be more active. i forgot how fun coding is. ok bye gang i will pull an all nighter and code.

song of the day: american wedding by frank ocean

09212024 lol hey guys ermmmm, i actually just realized that i give up on trying to be aesthetic like my old layouts were. like i'm sorry but i have no ideas. My current theme now will be like a blog instead because i love oversharing on the internet. so yeah now im in my ultra minimalistic phase. i might even become one of those mysterious-cool-nice sites with their profile disabled.

i spontaniously created this is the last 2 hours. my life lowkey sucks rn but i feel like that all the time so idk. ok it's actually not that serious but, i'm stressed with all the things going on in my life. ignoring final year of high school stuff- i;m currently watching two of my close friends fall out. my relationship with my mom is also so tense rn no matter how hard we both pretend it isnt.

now that i think about the cause of my pain is probaly because i've watched 4 tragic asian movies within the past 4 weeks. on thursday(?) last week i watched DIDI (2024) with a friend and her brother. i sobbed in the theater i was so embarrased. the next day i went over to her house and watched Monster (2023). we cried together again. THEN yesterday i watched both Blue (2002) and Nobody Knows (2004). i wanted to actually die it was so horrible. if you've seen them you know why. i think DIDI (2024) and Nobody Knows (2004) fucked me up the most. i should make a media log so i can yap about my feelings more.

usually i don't really seek out (?) to watch movies but i can't stop watching them now. the only good thing that happened to me things week was the WAVE TO EARTH CONCERT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! RAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! as expected every asian person in my city was there. ALSO OMFG GUYS THEY FUCKING PLAYED HOMESICK FOR THE FIRST TIME IN AMERICA IN MY CITY (this kinda exposes me but i jsut cant keep this to myself LIKE PLEASE SOMEONE UNDERSTAND HOW SERIOUS THIS IS). i sobbed so hard because nobody including me though they would but i guess life is good sometimes. if they hadn't i would've went a little crazy. i love w2e and homesick is literally MY favorite song ever. ugh. the concert was pretty good lowkey couldn't see shit the first 40 mins. ALSO in 2 weeks i'm seeing lamp!!!! lamp is you can hear me save us lamp please lamp save us. ok but i'm kinda scared to go because my ex-crush of 3 years is going to be there but i think i can be strong. i might fall in love if i see her again...but o well.

my back hurts as i'm typing this. this whole week i was sick. i think i'm starting to get sick of myself too. erm. yeah. UGH. i don't want to be a person in society. i want to be a free wild horse in a mongolian grass field. i've yapped enough so i'll end it here. bye!